Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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