his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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