We won't sleep together?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
