i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
