finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
