Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
