She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
