Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
