morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
