i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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