dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
