watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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