Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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