I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
