My liver just broke up with me...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
this hospital has no fireball
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
