i permit you to call me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
pray to the hookup gods
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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