I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want her autograph on my taint
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
