I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
