My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize