I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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