Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
