I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
