Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
