i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
