If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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