I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
