I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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