the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
