Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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