I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
