dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
