o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
