life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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