Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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