On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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