me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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