Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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