well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
