i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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