my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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