And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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