i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
