i love accidental penises.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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