my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
