I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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