What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
