Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
