I just pynch a tree in the face
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
