Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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