I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
