i already hear my dad disowning me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
