call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passed out mid-signature
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
