nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
