the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
