Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
